Personal Development

"I didn't have an easy childhood" is a cliché and probably unjustified in the vast majority of times it's used. Compared to many people, I had the easiest of childhoods. A fairly spoilt only child in a family that has never been well off, but has equally never really struggled for anything. At least one holiday a year and sometimes more; school trips; a private education. Not exactly a broken home, is it, despite divorced parents.

However, the private education side of things wasn't as smooth as it could have been. I blame no-one for this except myself. When I was between the ages of maybe thirteen and seventeen, I was an obnoxious little shit. Arrogant, superior (if that isn't tautology), all too eager to believe the hype about my own intelligence that my well-meaning family and teachers repeatedly gave me. The fault is my own.

However, the upshot was that I didn't particularly develop social skills until I joined sixth form and was suddenly exposed to "girls" as a species (my school was single-sex). As a result of my behaviour up until that point, I didn't really have proper friends either. The combination of these two handicaps resulted in a deep-seated insecurity that has been with me ever since.

Not a great lot about this insecurity is rational. I've learned to accept that certain people seem to actively want to spend time with me and take part in conversations with me. The insecurity comes in my continued bafflement as to why they want to do so. I spent so many years being ostracised by my peers that I still genuinely don't really "get it" when people want my company. I always suspect that they have some sort of ulterior motive. In high school it was usually that they wanted me to do their homework for them. Now? Well, who knows what I think they want? Therein lies the irrationality.

When I first entered into my current relationship the insecurity was there to rear its head as per usual. If I were to describe or design my perfect "type" of girl, Kat would tick more boxes than anyone I've ever met. Yes, she smokes. Yes, she's a vegetarian. She's ridiculously competitive to the extent that sometimes I think it might be best just to not enter into any sort of game or competition with her. If I win, there's a tantrum. If I lose, there's gloating. She's not perfect. But she is as close to it (for me) that I've ever experienced. So the insecurity was extrapolated to match. How, my subconscious reasons, can such a wonderful girl as her possibly be interested in someone like me? And more to the point, when is she going to realise this and abandon you? According to this little voice, it is only a matter of time.

This has in the past led to self-sabotage. My subconscious is so convinced that I will end up alone again that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; I end up behaving in such a way that a break-up becomes inevitable. My fear of this behaviour repeating itself with Kat is not irrational. I'm terrified of fucking it up. But as scared of that as I am, I'm equally determined not to.

This is all leading up to a main point. Over the last few months I've noticed a distinct dimming and quieting of that insistent voice of insecurity. I don't crave constant reassurance from her about her love for me and her commitment to "us" (and I suspect that this is as much a blessing for her as it is for me; my needy side is not pleasant). Obviously I miss her when we're apart and that feeling only gets stronger, but if we don't chat on Skype or on the phone for a day or two, it's no big deal. I don't instantly suspect that this means she's going off me, as I might have before. I am relatively relaxed about it, I know she cares about me and she's thinking about me.

Big deal, you might say. Of course she is. Anyone who's ever met her can see how much she loves you. Well, yes. But this is a big deal for me. It shows me that with the right support, this monkey on my back need not be a permanent fixture. I might even defeat it one day.

It's a work in progress. I still have my days when every possible sentence and action on her part gets interpreted as an omen that she's about to leave me (irrational much?!) but they're becoming more and more infrequent. I'm beginning to grow up. She's made me a hugely better person since coming into my life and I hope that she appreciates, eventually, just how grateful I will always be for that.